The Irrelevance of the Con Category
by Hawthornes
Summary: It had been exactly two day, fourteen hours, and fifty-one minutes since she last saw Jess. At the memory of him, coming into her dorm room, begging her to run away with her, she winced.


It had been exactly two day, fourteen hours, and fifty-one minutes since she last saw Jess. At the memory of him, coming into her dorm room, begging her to run away with her, she winced. Still, she didn't understand how he had done it. But he had. And at the time, she had yelled at him, swearing to herself that she wouldn't go with him because it would ruin everything. She had specifically tried not to look in his eyes, because she knew once she did, she would break.

At the end, when she did look into his eyes, she did break. Everything inside of her snapped, like the strings of a balloon being cut, and suddenly she was floating through the air – away from Jess. In that moment, she had wanted to take back her words, tell him that she actually did want to go with him – she wanted to go with him more than anything, but she couldn't make the words come, and she just stared at him as he ducked away.

She thought it would be the last time that she saw him.

She didn't think – she didn't ever think – that she'd be on a bus two days later, on her way to New York to find him. Rory had no clue where he lived, or how she thought that she could ever track him down in that ridiculously large city, but she knew that she had to. Because those two days, fourteen hours, and fifty-one minutes were the worst of her life. It was like someone had sucked all the air out of the universe.

She had thought, at first, that it was the room, but no matter where she went, she couldn't breathe. Jess, that bastard, had taken her air with him. And he hadn't taken only her air; he had taken her heart, too. And she thought, maybe, that she had his heart like he had hers. After lying awake, not being able to sleep for all that time, she thought that he had given her his heart when he had told her that he loved her, and he hadn't gotten it back since. Two days ago just made it worse.

And somewhere in between the crying and the making lists, she discovered that the only way either of them was going to be okay was if they were together. She had looked down at her pro-con list with the cons heavily outweighing the pros, and she tore it out of her notebook and threw it at the wall.

_Screw the damn lists, _she thought. Because she knew that no matter how many lists she made, they would all say the same thing: don't go to Jess. It wasn't the logical thing to do. It would cause more trouble than it was worse. But Jess was carrying around Rory's heart, and Rory was carrying around Jess' heart, and she _knew _that they needed to be together, that they were meant to be together, like he had said – logic be damned.

It felt kind of invigorating, really. To do something just because she wanted to – because she _needed _to – was empowering and it filled her with a sense of self-pride. She was actually, for once, willing herself to be happy. But there was also the fact that she thought she was going to throw up. Sitting on the bus with the scent of body order around her, nervous and excited all at once, she thought she was going to be sick.

Every part of her was shaking, and she didn't know if she was nervous because she was going to see Jess or because she was leaving and hadn't told anyone. And she didn't know if she was coming back. And she also didn't know if Jess would even _want_ her. After what she did to him, how much she hurt him? She wouldn't be surprised if she found his apartment and he slammed the door in her face. She would, if she was in his position.

The thought of him turning her away brought on a whole new batch of nervousness because _oh god, _she hadn't actually thought of that as a possibility. In her mind, she would show up, and he'd be happy to see her, and they'd just be together like they were supposed to, but of course – _of course_ – that wouldn't be what happened? How could she be such a fool? Why did she ever think that this was a good idea?

She looked around in a sudden panic, the air leaving her lungs. He must hate her, and he must wish her dead, and when she got there he would just turn her away and why did she think this was a good idea because this clearly wasn't a good idea because he must hate her and everything just sucked and she just wanted off the damn bus she didn't care if she had to run home _she couldn't go to Jess _not after what she did it wouldn't be right she should've given him more time.

Her thoughts went on like that for a long time, running on in one long, inconsistent sentence that didn't make much sense, even to her. And her breathing was coming quick and shallow, and she thought that she might actually have a panic attack right there. The woman across the aisle from her was already looking at her like she lost her mind, and Rory wanted to tell her that of course she had lost her mind, she wouldn't be on this damn bus if she was completely sane.

Deciding that she didn't like this new, impulsive Rory, she settled herself back into the bus seat, and pulled a notebook out of her bag. She would make a list. Of course she would make a list. To go to Jess, or to get on another bus home as soon as this one stopped? Before she knew it, her breathing was normal again, and she was furiously scribbling in her notebook.

By the time the bus stopped, Rory and somehow managed to write out seven pages of pros and cons, and, of course, the cons outweighed the pros like they always did when it came to Jess. But staring at the paper, there was one pro that she couldn't ignore, one that was sitting at the top of the page, staring at her as if it had eyes of its own. And despite it just being one point against, like, a hundred, it was possibly the most important.

_**I love him**_

It was written in big letters and underlined several times for affect. Before that day, or, rather, that second, sitting on the bus, she had always been uncertain on whether she loved him or not. But she knew she did. Maybe she had just wrote it down to get the pro list flowing, but it was there now, and looking at it, she realized that it was so true it physically hurt her. Rory Gilmore was in love with Jess Mariano, and all the cons in the world didn't matter.

With the possibility of rejection still buzzing around in her brain, Rory got off the bus. She didn't have anything with her but her purse that contained a change of clothes, a toothbrush and toothpaste, every single penny she had, her cell phone, three books, and a handful of mints that had been sitting at the bottom of her bag for weeks. All in all, she didn't have much, and she was counting on Jess not to hate her. If he did, she'd be sleeping on a bench tonight.

When she exited the bus station, she didn't expect it to be raining. But it was. The sky was raining down in huge raindrops, and when they hit her head, it felt like she was being hit with apples and not water. _Perfect. This is not going my way so far. _As fast as her legs could carry her, she scurried down the street until she found a small café.

She ordered a cup of coffee from the pretty blonde waitress when she sat down, and the pulled her phone from her bag. She figured that she had two options on how to find Jess: walk around the streets of New York, asking people if they knew where Jess Mariano lived, or calling Luke. Now, she didn't really want to call Luke because she knew that as soon as she called him, he would go to her mom, but the idea of asking random people on the street was less appealing.

He picked up on the forth ring.

"Luke's."

"Hey, Luke, it's, uh, it's Rory." She looked down at the coffee that had just been placed in front of her, unsure with how to continue. Coming right out and asking, _hey, Luke, do you happen to know where exactly Jess lives in New York? _seemed a little crazy, but she didn't figure there was any other way to do it.

"Yeah, hi Rory, how's it been going? How's school?"He seemed distracted, and Rory wondered, briefly, if she should just hang up and forget about it. She didn't want to bother him too much.

But, god, she needed to stop being such a coward. So she cleared her throat, and put down the spoon that she had been absentmindedly stirring her coffee. "Great, but, uh, I have to ask you a question. Now, this is going to sound crazy, beyond crazy actually, but please, please, please bear with me because this is so important." She took a breath in, waiting for him to say something, and when he didn't, she continued. "Do you know Jess' address?"

There was a long, awkward silence on the other end of the phone, and Rory worried that he might've hung up, but then he coughed. "Why'd you ask?"

She blew a long air out of her cheeks. "Listen, I know there is no point in asking you not to tell my mom because that's the first thing you're going to do once we get off the phone, and she's probably there right in front of you now, but this is really, really important. I'm in New York right now, and I need to get to his place, but I don't know where he lives. Please, Luke. I _need _to go to him." Rory sucked in a breath, holding it as she waited for him to talk.

Luke didn't ask any questions after that. He even promised not to say anything to her mom because this seemed important to her, and he didn't want to get in the middle of things. Then he gave her Jess' address, which she quickly scribbled down on her arm before hanging up. After that, Rory finished off her coffee – which sucked compared to the one's Luke served – asked the waitress for directions, and took off.

Despite how much she wanted to run and get there as soon as possible, she didn't run, and she didn't walk all that fast. She took her time, memorizing the things around her. This was Jess' world, and she wanted to become a part of it. She wanted to look like she belonged here, because she did belong with him. Though, she wasn't sure how she was going to do that. She wasn't used to the city, she didn't know her way around, and it was all strange and big and overwhelming.

Every step she took, she became more and more worried that she was going the wrong way. She saw none of the buildings that the waitress had talked about and _oh god _she was going to have to sleep on a bench tonight. Her already hopeless attempt to find Jess was becoming more and more hopeless by the second. Not to mention that it was getting darker, and she was worried that she'd be caught out here in the dark, alone.

Twenty minutes passed, and she still hadn't found his building, so she thought that it would be the right time to call her mom. Rory settled herself on a bench that was still wet from the rain, which had died off by now. She held her phone out in front of her for a few minutes, just trying to gather her nerve before she dialed her home number and waited with her heart beating crazily in her throat.

As it turns out, she didn't have to wait very long because Lorelai picked up before the first ring had even ended. "Rory! Oh thank god, Rory. I called your cell phone a hundred times, and when you didn't pick up, I called Paris and she said that she hadn't seen you all day. Then I called your grandparents – your grandparents, Rory! I suffered through your grandmother's ranting and raving BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND DON'T YOU EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN."

She waited until it was clear that her mother was done screaming, and took in a breath. "Mom, I don't want you to be mad, but I'm in New York –"

"New York! What are you doing in New York?!"

"Please just calm down for ten seconds and let me explain. First of all, I'm alright. There're no injuries and I'm breathing perfectly fine. Also, there's absolutely no brain damage. Please keep that in mind while I tell you why exactly I'm here." And she rushed on because she could hear her mother taking in a breath to say something else. "I came to see Jess. I know how you feel about the whole thing, so I'll spare you the details, but he came to see me the other day."

Lorelai's pause was long, and when she spoke, Rory could hear the anger settling deep in her voice. But she was trying to keep calm; her daughter had to give her that. "He came to see you, so you just decided to run to New York? Tell me exactly what happened, details and all. Don't leave out anything because I'm trying to diagnose what the hell is wrong with you."

Rory rubbed her forehead, wanting to scream and cry, and just beg her mother to understand for once. But she knew that she wouldn't, and she just had to do her best to try to explain. "The other night, he came to me, and he just kind of woke me up, Mom. I think I felt like I was sleeping from the time he left until then, but I feel so alive now. It was like – I was waiting for him, and that sounds completely ridiculous and you're not going to understand at all."

When her mother didn't say anything, she figured that she should probably continue on. "He came the other night, and he told me that he knew we were supposed to be together, and he told me that he knew I knew it too. I'm not sure that I did then, Mom, but I do now. And he asked me to run away with him – to New York – and at first, I said no, but then I thought about it. I sat awake for two days thinking about it, and, well, now I'm here. Trying to find him."

And there was a long silence, in which, Rory felt like she was going to explode or something. Not only did Jess probably hate her for what she did, her mom hated her now too. She could feel it. It made her want to cry, but she just bit down on her lip, and suffered the painful silence with the phone pressed to her head. She began to think that her mom wasn't going to respond, and maybe she should just hang up, but then Lorelai began talking.

"Well, call me, alright? Are you with him now? Just stay safe, and call me when you're settled in and if there's anything you need, let me know. I love you. Alright. Have fun."

Then the phone hung up.

Rory wanted to cry. Right there, Rory wanted to cry, but she didn't. She knew that if she started crying, she wouldn't stop, and she also figured that the street wasn't the place to break down. Darkness was creeping closer, and it was getting cold, and she really needed to find Jess now. So, she pushed herself up off of the bench, and continued walking. She needed to keep moving, she needed to keep herself going. She wasn't allowed to stop again until she found him.

As the minutes trickled into hours, and the sun sunk behind, she became more and more convinced that she was lost. And she was cold. And she really wanted to see Jess. She still didn't know if he would turn her away or not, but she was so lonely at the point, and she was on the edge of tears, feeling like she had lost everything, and she just needed to see him.

Just when she was about to abandon her search and go find a suitable bench to sleep on, she saw it. Out of the corner of her eye, a couple of buildings down, it was standing there – her saving grace. The apartment building was old and run down and moldy, but it was there. And inside of that building was Jess. There was no containing her excitement as she ran toward the building as fast as her feet could carry her.

She didn't know how this was going to go, and her plans were put a halt when she tried to open the door, only to find that it was locked. Minor setback. It didn't change the fact that he was in there, in one of those rooms, probably reading or smoking or doing whatever it was he did. And that was the first time that it occurred to her that she was so close to him, and in a few moments, she was going to see him. Again. And then she would find out if he'd reject her or not.

She reached into her pocket, and dialed his number with shaking fingers, hoping that he didn't change it. She wasn't disappointed because on the fifth ring, he picked up, and her heart stopped.

"Hello?"

_Hey Jess, I did a lot of thinking about what you said, and, well, I'm standing outside. _Those were the words she wanted to say, sitting on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't get them out. Instead, she barely managed out an almost inaudible "Jess." Her voice was quaking, and she cursed herself for it, but she couldn't stop him from hearing it.

He paused. "What'd you want, Rory?" His voice was filled with what she thought sounded a lot like anger and resentment and it almost made her want to hang up the phone and go back to the bus station. But she had come all this way, dammit, and she wasn't leaving until she pleaded her case, and he heard her. Because she was in love with him, and even though it might be too late, she wanted to be with him. Here. Like he asked.

"I'm outside – like, outside your apartment building – and I was wondering if we could, y'know, talk." She tried to sound like she wasn't on the edge of tears, but he probably could hear it anyway. "I totally understand if you want me to leave and never see me again, and I won't hold it against you because I was so horrible, but if you wanted… could you come down so we can talk maybe? It's okay if you say no, really. I understand."

This time, there was no pause. She could still hear the anger in his voice, but he was calmer when he said, "I'll be right down."

She closed her phone, setting it back in her pocket. Those seconds, waiting for him to come down, were the longest seconds of her life. They didn't feel like seconds, either. They stretched from seconds, into minutes, into hours, until it felt like she had been standing there forever with her heart beating so fast that she thought it would come right out of her chest. She hated how time tricked a person like that, making things seem longer and harder than they were.

But then he opened the door, and he was standing in front of her, and he was so close that she could smell the scent of stale cigarettes and his aftershave. He didn't move closer to her, or even look in her direction for too long, but he was there, and that was all she really asked for, wasn't it? They stood there in silence for a long time, and Rory was really just trying to keep her breathing even.

"What do you want?" He repeated, sparing a sidelong glance at her.

"This is late, and I know that you probably don't want to hear it now, but for the past two days, fourteen – er, fifteen hours, and thirty-three minutes, I've been thinking a lot about what you said." She was looking at him, willing him to look at her too, but he was focused on something in the distance. "You can't just come to my place, Jess, and expect me to leave without thinking about it. I – I needed time, alright? I'm sorry."

He scoffed, still refusing to look at her. "So what'd you do? Make one of your pro-con lists, and come here to tell me that it didn't come out in my favor? Sorry, Rory, I don't want to hear how you don't want to be with me _again. _Once was enough."

She flushed, looking down. "I did make a list, and it didn't come out in your favor. Actually, I made a lot of lists. I even made one on the bus, and they all said the same thing: stay where I was, and not go to you. But I couldn't stay there, Jess. I couldn't stay there knowing that we were so close, and I thought about what you said, and I know you're right. I was overwhelmed, and I didn't know it then, but I know it now."

He did look at her, then, just glancing up with a perked eyebrow, not saying a word.

"You probably don't want to hear this now, and you probably just want me to go away because I've done enough damage, but, there was something on those lists that I couldn't ignore. It's what brought me here, and it's what gave me enough nerve to do all this." She sucked in a breath. "We are supposed to be together, Jess. I'm sorry I took so long to realize it, but I see it now. And… I don't want to be without you, alright? I – I think I'm still in love with you."

"This is it? I'm not going to wake up one morning and you'll be gone? You're here?" Each word was spoken slowly, as if they pained him to speak, but he did, and he was looking at her fully now. She could tell that it hurt him to be here, but she thought – she hoped – that her leaving would hurt more, so he wouldn't.

She nodded, kind of shyly, but still nodded. "Well, I'm going to have to go and get my stuff, but this is what I want, Jess. And this is what you want too, right? There's never been a right time for us, so I think we have to make it, and when better than the present, right?" Rory looked down at her feet. "I just – this is supposed to happen. You were right."

He didn't say anything else of the subject, just nodding, and turning around to open the door to the building with a key he produced from his pocket. "You should get out of those wet clothes," he said, motioning for her to go inside first. She was a little hesitant, but went, and then followed him up three flights of stairs, and to the third room on the left in the second hallway. He didn't unlock this door, just used his foot to kick it open.

And, _oh god, _it was probably the most horrible place she had to step in in her life. It's not that it was dirty, because it wasn't, it was just so empty and unwelcoming. When she stepped through the threshold, she felt like she was going to be swallowed. There was a small kitchen to her left with a rusting fridge and a microwave, but nothing else. To her right was, what she assumed, a living room, but it contained nothing but a chair and a pile of books.

"We don't have to stay here," he said, as if sensing her discomfort. "I was just crashing here because it's cheap and the job I have sucks. But, with the two of us working, we could probably afford something more."

"It's alright." She nodded, not wanting to be too much of an inconvenience. She was still kind of in shock over the fact that he didn't kick her to the curb, and she didn't want to ruin it by saying something completely out of place. Right now, she and Jess were in an alright – if now awkward – place, and she wanted that to get better, not worse. Because at least she was with him, which is what she wanted all along. It was a start.

He glanced at her, just nodding. "I'll get you something to change into. Bathroom's over there." Jess pointed to a door just past the make-shift kitchen, and then he was gone, disappearing into another door on the other side of the living room.

Rory took a moment, just breathing in and taking in her surroundings. There wasn't much. She noticed a window that sat beside the chair. It wasn't very big, but she could see out to the city through it. Lights lit up the sky, and she couldn't help to think that it was pretty beautiful, even though it wasn't much. She forced a hopeful smile onto her face as she made her way to the bathroom, closing the door lightly behind her.

She had to give it to him: he kept this place neat. When she had pictured the bathroom, she expected a rat's hole – with possible rats in it – but it wasn't like that. Of course, it wasn't a lush and sparkling washroom, but it was clean and she didn't figure that she was going to get any unwanted diseases. She splashed some water on her face, and just hovered until she heard a knock on the door. She opened it, looking at Jess standing on the other side.

"We'll go back and get your stuff tomorrow, but this is the best I could come up with tonight." He handed her some clothes before tugging the door shut again.

She set Jess' dry clothes on the sink and began peeling herself out of her wet ones. The funny thing was that it didn't feel like she was just changing clothes. She felt like she was shedding her old life in favor of a new one – a new life with Jess. Another bout of nerves caught her, and she paused. That's what she was doing. Putting on these clothes would mean that she's given up everything that was Rory for him.

She didn't know if she liked that idea so much, but she was cold and wet and naked, so she pulled on the black t-shirt and boxers that he'd brought her. For a long time, she stood, looking at herself in the mirror. It was new, she thought, but she liked it. She liked the way the shirt hung on her, and it would take some getting used to, but she could do that. Plus, the clothes had his smell, and she'd never felt closer to him than in that moment.

_We've finally made it, _she thought.

Things were gonna be okay now. Even when they weren't, they would be.


End file.
